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Understanding, Forming and Overcoming Relationships
"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
- Mother Teresa
In the Previous Article, the following lessons were learned...
1. Lesson One - Never Ask Someone Out Online 2. Lesson Two - Do Not Let Opportunities Slip Away 3. Lesson Three - Be Wary of Online Dating, Many Liars About 4. Lesson Four - Don't Feel Obligated to Rush Relationships or Potential Relationships 5. Lesson Five - When Hurt, Don't Bottle It. Confide Within A Friend/Stranger/Whomever 6. Lesson Six - To Be Perceptive. There is Good Behind Bad and Bad Behind Good. Don't Focus Solely on the Bad Behind the Bad.
In this article, you will learn the following...
1. What Love Is 2. How to Convey Feelings To Another (Video) 3. Why Appearances Do Not Matter 4. About the First Few Dates and The First Kiss 5. And What To Do After a Breakup
Begin New Lessons...
So, let us start by identifying, “Now what is love?” In my own obvious words, love to me is, “Total and complete devotion to another, giving them 100% of your trust.” Like I said, my own example of a Knight and Princess Duo. Now you MAY be thinking, “All of my trust!? Sounds pretty dangerous. Wouldn’t we just be opening ourselves up to unnecessary pain?” Yes and No.
If it’s truly your destinies‘, of a love meant to be, the risk you take will lead you to unimaginable happiness, but knowing if it’s meant to be is always the question for any couple. Though, I imagine once two people reach a certain point, they can tell of a love meant to be. :D Of course, if dealing with a love not meant to be, then pain will be there waiting for you. It’s natural though; finding the one person who is willing to spend the rest of your life with, who accepts and appreciates your strengths and weaknesses, especially in today’s immoral world, is tough. Yet, you shouldn’t give up your search due to one setback, especially in the potential millions of other chances you’ll have if you not let the pain of one sad lost love get the best of you. So, maybe you’re asking, “This is a pretty big gamble, perhaps I should just skip this love thing altogether.”
I tried that and you may last for awhile as I did. You may be skipping the hardships and rewards of love, but, bear in mind that, you’ll always be left wondering what it’s like, of what the big fuss is. You, as well as I, know how powerful love is made out to be. If you know for a fact that you’ll always be questioning to yourself, “Hm, I wonder, what is love like?” then the constant curiosity is not worth it. Life is about risks and experiences. Once you go through love the first time, it should be enough to give you an answer. Answers do, after all, cure curiosity and sometimes lead to even more questions. Of course, those new questions are much better to have than the initial one about the first step. I was watching the movie, “17 Again” on HBO, which I suggest you watch, and the main character said something quite insightful.
“WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG, EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD, BUT IT’S NOT. IT’S JUST THE BEGINNING.”
If you read my own sad tale, you’d know I didn't feel the same way, but in the end, I learned that the world was still turning, I was still learning, and time kept on going. :D Think about it though, when you’re young and full of inexperience, you go through a lot of firsts, expecting them to be the last. When you find out things don’t go your way, well, what kind of first impression does it send? So, you get overly depressed about that first failure without realizing just how young you are and how many other experiences you have yet to have. Let’s abruptly change pace here. I think the best way to proceed is to throw out real world examples, ok?
How To Convey Feelings for Someone
Nothing can feel more depressing than having feelings, yet lacking the courage to convey them properly. I KNOW, if you BOTHERED reading my story, I went through the same thing, MULTIPLE TIMES. :) My answer? I see life as a game, you have to always have a plan, a strategy, a goal. You then break that goal down into carefully coordinated steps. Your goal in this example is to go out with them. If you go to school or work with them, then it’ll be much easier to get an opportunity in. If that is the case then I’m sure you two have at LEAST make small talk here and there.
Casually suggest that you both hang out one day.
If you act too early and ask some STRANGER OUT OF NOWHERE TO HANG OUT as your opening words, you’re probably finished. You have to start small and work your way up… scaling a mountain, basically. She/He has to at LEAST have an idea as to who you are before you initiate any “hanging out”, remember that. Take me for example, assuming I’ve been small talking with a woman for a little while, here’s how I’d put it.
Me - Omgosh! Did you hear about that new restaurant opening up? Her - OH YES! I can’t wait, they have a lot of delicious nomnoms I want to try. ^_^ Me - Deliciousness to the max! But HEY, when it DOES open, we should totally go there. =D Her - Yes yes, that’s an AWESOME idea. :D
Indeed, as you may be thinking, each person has their own unique charm and characteristics that adds up the way in which they conduct themselves, neither you nor I are exceptions. Though, I admit, that example I would only use if I knew them for more than a few days. THE POINT IS to casually insert a request to hang out when a good opportunity arises. But the key is to do it casually. Remember though, I don't mean the "conveying your feelings" part to be casual, just the request to hang out which will, subsequentrly, lead up to the part where you convey those feelings. Let me try that again with someone I don’t know that well.
Me - Hey Amber. :D Her - Oh, hi Matthew. How are you today? :D Me - Pretty groovy. ^^ Yourself? Her - I’m good, a little tired, but other than that, not bad. Me - Yeah, it is pretty early still. :O But, I was wondering… Her - Mmm? Me - There’s this new restaurant opening soon. Wanted to see if you’d like to come too? =D Her - You mean that new Sonic opening down the street? Me - Yep. I’ve never been to a Sonic before so I’m pretty excited. :3 It’d be cool to go with someone as awesome as you. Her -Haha, sure.
A nice flowing conversation without putting any emphasis on, “I like you and want to go out to dinner with you.” Be subtle. Have some time to get to know each other first before you actually determine if you two are compatible, then work your way up from there by building Kino. Of course, kino is essentially a high-tech word for "being touchy playful." Here's a quick little video showing some basics... depending on the type of person they are, this may or may not work, but, it's still useful to know. Remember, all in all, the main idea is to be fun and playful. ^_^
Don’t rush, or you‘ll fall.. Be subtle during the initial “getting to know you” phase.
Subtlety and Casually, I say that alot. When it comes to being subtle/casual, I only mean, "Don't make it OVERLY obvious that you want them." depending upon the person, that may make it seem as if you get around a lot, destroying the chance for a long-term relationship. On that note, it also may make it seem like you can't be trusted since you've made it apparent that you "like to like." That said, I typically suggest going on "actual" dates after you guys have hung out.
When it COMES to hanging out though, just be yourself. If it seems they like being around you, you know you do have a decent chance at making things work... but that's only if you are true to who you are. You see, I've heard that consummation (sex lol) involves 50% acting. Well, if you're going for a long term relationship, the acting will eventually have to stop and your true persona may be someone entirely different from the person they fell in love with... leading to many problems later on.
Okay, so... how do you convey your feelings for someone? I can't really be direct here since every person is different, but, I tend to believe that the best time to let someone know you like them is right before/after getting touchy touchy (kiss, for example)... I mean, lol, think about it, if you convey your feelings the proper way, it seems completely logical for the atmosphere to be set for a nice romantic kiss. When it comes to me though, I tend to believe that actions speak FAR louder than mere words. What I mean is, sometimes, the act of kissing in itself represents how you both feel, and thus, you don't even have to convey your feelings prior. But, for that to work, it has to feel right... things have to flow into it. That said, if you guys skip the whole, "conveying how you feel with words" method and go directly to a romantic kiss, afterwards would be the best time to gush your heart out to them. By that point, you've pretty much sealed the deal and are pretty much a couple anyways. Note that If you end up going down this route, "the first few dates" may be entirely skipped and unnecessary. Atmosphere, as said, has to be right though... please refer to the "The first few dates" section further down for more details. :)
"I'm so ugly, no one would ever go out with me."
That mindset in itself is a huge reason why you’re in the situation you’re in. You’d be surprised as to how many women/men don’t care about appearances. These days, it’s mostly about how you carry yourself that truly determines your appeal.
Do you know the most overlooked tactic is? Smiling.
Putting on a happy face makes you look inviting, no matter what you look like. If you continually wear a frown, you’re only making yourself look more intimidating. It may SOUND cool, but does coolness outweigh your desire to love? ;) In the end, however, there are over a billion people on this tiny little microscopic planet.
A billion different thoughts. A billion different personalities. A billion different opinions.
“There’s no one out there for me." *sadface* Wrong! You’re only fooling yourself by thinking that. Also, if you read the first segment, I told you how we all have our own unique opinions and that…
WHAT IS UGLY TO ONE PERSON IS BEAUTIFUL TO ANOTHER WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL TO ONE PERSON IS UGLY TO ANOTHER.
Repeating myself, the world does NOT see you in black and white, and that is what your problem is. You need to stop assuming the world views you as one thing. If you truly think you’re ugly, than you are. And besides, if you’re truly set on believing you’re ugly, than do something about it. Go work out, get buff. If you’re too stubborn to change your flawed views about yourself AND you’re too lazy to change yourself than, I hate to say it, but you probably deserve your situation. Of course, if you’re still reading this, I imagine you’re not the type to quit easily. =D
TAKE PRIDE IN WHO YOU ARE. REALIZE YOUR OWN STRENGTHS USE THAT AS A MEANS TO INCREASE YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE
The First Few Dates & The First Kiss Okay, so, you like someone and you get their number. Forget the whole, "There's the rule where I can't call until three days. :O" Women/Men don't like games and if she likes you too, then she'll WANT you to call A.S.A.P. Call them when you have time.
Don't play mind checkers.
So, you've called and made your move and she/he said, "*giggle* Okay. :)"... I guess that just leaves the question of where to go and what to do. Now, you're probably thinking of the ol' classic, "Dinner and a Movie lol"... kind of cliche, don't ya think? I was actually watching an interesting study that found couples who went on a date that involved moving, let's say by taking a walk together, felt like they spent more time with each other than those who were confined to a building with food (dinner). It's some sort of mental trick where, by constantly changing the scenery, you feel like you've spent more time with someone as opposed to confined in one location for the same amount of time. Rather fascinating. So, save the dinner and a movie routine for when you two get better acquainted. For the opening dates, choose something that involves constant moving and changing of scenery, but is both fun and engaging. Though, to be honest... when it comes to me, walking through a forest, admiring the beautiful scenery, is fun in itself for me. :3
I was observing some polls here and there and found that 88% of men would want the woman to make the first move for a kiss. Sounds like a big number, eh? Yet, 95% of women prefer men to make the first move. Okay, I lied about those numbers, but the poll concluded that more women wanted the guy to do the honors. As you know, I was doing it 100% wrong, so, in order for you to avoid my silly mistake, let me give you a pointer or two. For starters, the first kiss should come naturally; don't ask for it out of desperation, you gotta be cool, calm and collected. And don't go for anything sloppy... at first, just a nice sweet smooch. <3 You don't want to overwhelm them and go overboard, do you? Of course, if we're referring to clubbing, go as far as you want, that's the norm over thar. ;D
So, that just leaves the question of when... and boy what a big question THAT is.
The first kiss, I feel, should be memorable, in which case, assuming the date, or just the time you're spending together, is going well, a beautiful setting is in order. Now, this is just my personal preference, but... under a moonlit sky overlooking the horizon compete with cherry blossoms. <3 That's perfect in my eyes... but, of course, the perfect place could be anywhere, your room for instance or maybe just a lakefront. Privacy may or may not be key here, but, if it's the first kiss for BOTH of you, I think privacy takes a bit of a role here in setting the mood.
I feel, the best way to go for the kiss is during a cuddle session which is easy to get into <3... or after giving them a passionate hug. As the hug ends, and you two slowly come apart so that your eyes meet, look deep within theirs, as, hopefully, they are yours. Lean in and close your eyes. Mwuah! Harmony and Bliss is yours. The moment before this happens, you both should feel like a magnet. You won't resist... assuming their eyes aren't filled with awkwardness. Once you pass that simple benchmark, everything else should be easy-squeezy... pun intended, perhaps. ;) What To Do After a Breakup
Love becomes Happiness Love becomes Sorrow
Love can lead to many things indeed. Yes, one of the worst feelings is having something, and getting it taken away. You’re probably going through your mind all the reasons how this is your fault, right? In doing so, you’re gravitating the waves of depression even closer. Let's get blunt for a second, after a breakup, your goal is either to…
A. Find Out What Went Wrong and Try to Get Back Together B. Move On.
Let’s look at A first, shall we? The breakup happened for a reason. What that reason is, I don’t know, but it was triggered by both of you, not just him, not just her. With that said, something you’ve done or they’ve done was so severe that it caused the ultimate solution, breaking up If you truly want to get back with them, then you’re going to want to look at what went wrong. However, once you find the root of the problem, something is, most likely, going to have to change.
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF TO FIT THE OTHER PERSON’S PREFERENCES. THAT JUST PUTS THEM ABOVE YOU AND DEGRADES WHO YOU ARE.
You are who you are. Why is it that YOU have to change? Does that mean that THEY’RE the better one? NO! If someone broke up with you because of something they don’t like about you, FORGET THEM. They’re obviously too wrapped up with their own arrogance to look inside themselves to realize their own shortcomings, let alone accept yours. And thusly, if you two DO get back together, what's not stopping that situation from repeating itself again and again? Can YOU see yourself changing who you are PERMANENTLY? Of course, assuming the reason for a breakup was something negative like dangerous drugs or binge gambling, you may want to work on that. ;)
And thus I say the most overused phrase ever.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA. PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO WILL HAPPILY ACCEPT YOUR OWN FLAWS, BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU ACCEPT THEIRS.
Now, whether or not you broke up with them or they with you, let's just say you DON'T want to get back together with them, and yet, your feelings won't go away, OR, let's say you do want to get back with them and they've made it 100% clear they don't. If you truly want to get over someone, the best thing to do is to avoid contact with that person altogether, to essentially cut them off from your life. I know, it seems extremely difficult to do and maybe even a little unnecessary, but depending on how deep those feelings go, avoidiing all contact with them is the most efficient way to get over a breakup. Look at it this way, assuming they don't love you anymore, everytime you see that person again will reinvigorate those lovey feelings of which will never again be realized again for that person. By seeing them, while still having feelings, will only lead to continued false hope and the rate at which you "get over them" will take that much longer. So, yes. You know they'll never take you back? Can't erase those feelings? Completely erase them from your life to avoid bringing back false hope and, subsequently, more heartache.
In the end, relationships revolving around love are about accepting each other for all that they are. Actually, that is also what friendship is about. They should help you overcome your shortcomings, as you will for them. NOT see your shortcomings as a sign of inferiority. Realizing THAT, it makes sense why your partner should be your best friend.
You two both know each other to the bone. Through thick and thin, you both have been there for each other.
It DOES make sense how the perfect couple could be two best friends. ^_^ OF COURSE, MY best friends are guys, so that doesn’t really help me out. Lol :D
Further Reading… Silent Signals
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