My Personal Story

What to expect within this article...

You’re either at this point for one of two reasons:

A. You’re learning something and want to keep going. (good for you)

B. Since I’ve alluded to it earlier, you want to hear more about me. I don’t mind telling you, after all, when it comes to curiosity and nosiness, I’m the King. So, I suppose fair is fair…

Let’s get something straight first? Wisdom has no age restrictions and closing yourself off from that fact only serves to create ignorance in people. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my sad and tragic tale.

It all started in my younger days, in 2nd grade to be precise. I had developed my first crush on a woman named Krystal. I won’t say much since I was so young and innocent, but in the end, I gave her one of my favorite stuffed animals that I used to sleep with, a blue bunny. You see, I basically had an army of stuffed animals that I slept with and had developed a friendship with… talking to them and whatnot. Hey! I was like 7, I think. :) Now, I don’t remember what her response was, but I’m pretty sure she took it home. Ultimately, I moved away and to this day, I still wonder what became of her. :/ Anyways, let’s skip ahead to 6th grade. There was this women named Kaley. She was, and still is, very beautiful =3. On Valentine’s Day, she had made me a card… it read,

Attached was a chocolate bear. Lol, omgosh, I’m literally laughing to myself. I was so stupidly naïve back then… do you know what I did afterward? NOTHING! I was thankful… but, that was it. Our bond faded and she had grown to dislike me because of Junior Class Elections, I’ll get to that later. Let’s skip ahead, shall we? =/

I had a pretty big crush on this one woman from Middle School, her name was Erica. She was my first serious love interest for the longest of times. I had admired her so much… I was infatuated. We had a lot of the same classes, so she knew who I was, though, we didn’t hang out but we did talk online a lot. So time passes and the infatuation does not go away. To give you an idea, remember that episode of Family Guy where at the end Peter goes, “… or else those smelly Hawaiians will move in.” I actually took offense to that because SHE was part Hawaiian. Yeah, I know, “Aww!”. But, one day, I built up enough “courage” to tell her *shiver*, “I love you.” Obviously, she didn’t return my feelings due to the patheticness of my confession. That’s when our friendship started to get weird and degrade.

Doing it behind the safety of typed words doesn’t show much, and it takes away from the moment. Also, don’t lead with, “I love you.” That’s too powerful a message and will, most likely, catch them totally off guard, leading to total uncomfortableness. That’s not the end though, skip to our 8th Grade Dance… and, I know you’re going to think I’m the biggest stupid-head ever but, she actually wanted me to dance with her to a slow song. But, I was so nervous, I pathetically forced myself not to, after she strongly tried to get me to do it. So, I ended up watching her dance with someone else, and I left. *nervous laugh*… yeah I know. I was so silly back then. No need to rub it in. It all comes together in the end anyways, but not in the way you're expecting. :3

That’s when I started to look inside myself to notice how sad I was. It lead me to become so confused about love and women that I was symbolically torn in two. (not gay, mind you ;D) Let’s go to 10th grade, this woman named Danielle was literally throwing herself at me and my good friend, Steve. She was a model, too. Lol, don’t give me that look, I told you, I’m not the same anymore. :D… CONTINUING!

By that point, I wanted someone to help me, to push me into a relationship. I alluded to it, but she just said I was too complicated, that she just wanted a simple relationship. So, she chose Steve over myself which I, in no way, blame her for. In fact, in retrospect, I was too naive anyways to be deserving of any love. By this point, the theme song that could easily sum up my emotions PERFECTLY would be THIS… of course, unlike what this song implies, I did end up falling to darkness, undone.

Well, are you having fun laughing at me? Good, because this is where the story gets messed up. Brace yourself for one of the most sad of situations ever.

So, having failed at real life relationships, I found myself meeting a woman online through myspace. HER name was Larissa. Things started out friendly. We talked online a lot, sharing laughs and stuff, time passes, and we grow closer. We exchange numbers and talk on the phone for hours. She actually lived about 45 minutes from me so I planned on visiting her after I obtained my license, had it not been for what happened next.

So anyways, we “fall in love.” Time passes, things are great, and she goes on vacation. That’s when I get a weird instant message from one of her friends. To sum this entire situation up; everything revolved around a lie. The picture she sent me wasn’t her. But no no, that’s not the stupid part. This is where it gets SICK.

You see, apparently, prior to meeting me, Larissa and her friends decided to play a game. Their group would target some guy online, get him to fall in love with one of them, and then they would break his heart. But, the plan backfired and she actually DID fall in love with me. Naturally, I called to “break up” with her. And she cried. Do you know how hurt I was after that? I mean, I was already struggling and here comes this messed up conspiracy. Afterwards, I was nearing the verge of a breakdown, but this wouldn’t be so interesting had I NOT had a breakdown, so keep reading, it gets worse.

A few months pass, and I meet yet ANOTHER woman online named Shwee (nickname). We exchange messages and I find out that she lives in a place I know very well, my old neighborhood. I message her saying I’m coming down for a visit. So, I take my bike and ride away. It took me about an hour to get there. Things STARTED OUT right, we hung out with the rest of her girlfriends. It was a weird, yet interesting experience. We’re all having an okay time, but throughout, I’m kind of quiet, not being used to hanging out with an all-girl group, which I suppose gave her the wrong impression as to how fun I can be, but whatever, it was my fault.

Night comes. I don’t know why or how, but we end up snuggling on her family’s recliner chair. Mind you, her family was in the next room, so, looking back, it made things extra weirdilicious. *sigh* The feeling of cuddling with someone is so warming. That was the warmest my heart has ever felt. *teardrop* Getting back to the story, I actually had plans that same night with my friend who lived in the same neighborhood, so I’m about to leave and her mother suggests she walk me there. Apparently, her mom knows that she goes through a lot of boyfriends and felt that I was the most stable and worthwhile, how flattering. Yet, you see, I was pretty desperate back then and in retrospect, pursuing someone who goes through boyfriends like cake and candy does not tickle my fancy. :)

The walk was okay. We get to the end and this is probably the most embarrassing moment of my life, I actually ASK for a KISS which is, perhaps, one of the worst things you can do with a potential relationship. I went for open mouth, she went for closed.

Total. Absolute. Historic. Fail.

Yeah, that is THE most embarrassing moment of my LIIIIIFE! =O

So, a few days pass, nothing happens. We don’t hang out or talk, or anything... and that’s when it happened. All of my failures, all of my doubts, all of my pent up sadness suddenly exploded on me in the cruelest of ways. It was December 31st, 2005, I was alone, in front of my computer listening to both Nightwish's Wish I Had An Angel (Above) and Linkin Park’s Breaking the Habit on loop. (amazing songs, btw.)

My Mind...

My Heart...

My Spirit...

...felt like they had shattered. Everything I knew about myself was suddenly fading away, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was becoming undone. I wanted to scream.

For about two months, I wasn‘t myself, I was but a hollow shell. I didn‘t laugh at anyone‘s jokes, do any of my whacky antics… nothing. Everyone around me was deeply concerned about what had happened to me. That‘s how empty I looked and acted. It was as if I was subconsciously rebuilding myself, picking up the shattered remnants of my heart and spirit. And when I came out of my “trance” like phase, I felt different, I felt colder. It was as if I was rebuilt with an absolute wall of impenetrable ice around my heart. I no longer felt like I had to love anyone or anything. I had no desire to be with anyone. It felt nice and refreshing, at first. I considered love a weakness of the mind. At its worst, I would literally squirm with disgust and anger whenever anything mushy-related crossed my sight. And that’s what I believed for years. It was as if my pride had taken lead position in maintaining the frigid walls around my heart. I felt like I was reborn. It’s how I carried myself for five years, up until I was 21.The walls around my heart were still strong, but, it caused a deep disconnection with who I was.

This wall, has caused me so much emptiness. Deep down though, my heart was still beating strongly that sometimes, my mind would drift off to a scene where I’m being held by the woman of my dreams, once I realized it, I would tell myself to shut up and to stop thinking that way. This disconnection got so bad, that eventually, I was  having long philosophical conversations with myself, just long sessions of me rambling about who I was, typing wise.

One day in August (I was 20, about to turn 21), I had met a woman named Rebecca on this random chat thingamajig called Omegle. My original intention was to be myself A.K.A. act very oddly until they’d disconnect =D, but, that didn’t happen. We got into this very long and fun conversation about Tifa’s boobs and Finfish and everything under the sun.:D. I don’t know why I did at the time, but we exchanged MSNs.

Hwaha, don’t worry, this one has nothing to do with a failed love as I know you’re expecting. We actually work up a nice friendship. She told me she used to think like I did and felt sorry for me, that I was missing out on life, essentially. Our chats were usually casual fun with mixed sessions of philosophy. She’d always say things that would make sense to me, as I knew it all along. Eventually, her words and presence affected me so much that those long philosophical ramblings turned more frequent. That’s when it happened. I hit one of the lowest points in my life because, essentially, I had realized I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was so, painful, to not even know yourself. I finally realized what I had done to myself; that I WAS just separating my heart from my mind.

The source of my emptiness was my own pride blocking what I really wanted, but could never admit to myself, to feel loved and needed, to have someone by my side to help pick me up when I’m down, to make someone else’s life happy, to let them know how amazing and how important they are to me. (Aww <3)

It dawned on me how vital love is in life. Why is it that those who’ve never experienced it, always yearn to find it? It’s as if we were meant to seek to love and be loved, to need and be needed.

Love = Happiness

Friendship = Happiness

Feeling Needed = Happiness

Happiness = A Good Life

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that only love leads to happiness, not at all. It just does for a lot of people. It seems to make sense the more I think about it. And yeah, I know how a lot of you are feeling right now. The thought of something so sentimentally sappy would have made me cringe too. You see, even though my situation may seem embarrassing, why do I choose to talk about it openly? It’s because I’ve come to terms with it as a result of confiding in another.

It wasn’t until I confided in someone else was I able to actually understand what the pain of my own thoughts had done to me. Though, it’s not over yet; I still have many tears held deep down within myself. Tears I have not released for over half my life. Once I let them go, will I finally know if I made the right choice or not. And yet even so, until that time comes, I’m going to keep plowing forward at breakneck speeds. Besides, even if I don’t find anyone, I’ll be okay. I love life and am very thankful I was born into existence. That alone, is enough to keep me happy. :D

So, after all of this. Do you know how I feel? Do you want to know what I wish I could do over? The lingering thoughts of, “What would have happened had I done this over?”

I REGRET NOTHING ABOUT MY PAST ACTIONS

MY PAST, OUR PASTS, HELPED SHAPE WHO I AM NOW. THE MORALS I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF. MY IDENTITY.

LESSON SIX

EACH DECISION YOU MAKE LEADS TO A NEW PATH IN LIFE, EVEN IF IT’S ACCIDENTAL. EACH PATH HAS SOMETHING GOOD BEHIND THE BAD AND SOMETHING BAD BEHIND THE GOOD.

I embrace all of my actions, and all the pain I felt. I don’t regret any moment of it for one reason. I’m not saying things would be worse OR better had I made different decisions, but, I know that had I not gone through what I had, I would probably be a totally different person. Like, let’s say I never did move away, I had a best friend who was a woman. We grew up together. We were both kids. Because we were so young, the thought of who we are never crossed our minds. Had I not moved, I’m fairly confident we would have messed around, had sex, and maybe even became parents and our lives would essentially be over. However, I did move and lost that chance. Do you know what else I learned? She, along with the rest of my old friends, had gotten into drugs. Though I had experienced a loss of friends, had I not moved away, I’m pretty confident I’d use drugs too.

With young love comes baseless decisions. What I mean by that, for the most part, is SEX. Now, I don’t know about you, but it seems that a “relationship” is synonymous with “sex.” In other words, if you don’t have sex, you’re not in a relationship. I find that ridiculous. To me, when I think of a relationship, I think of a “partner in adventures.” I don’t think of sex, I think of someone who’s always there WITH you, not always IN/ON you. :D

Two people having fun and experiencing everything together. A Knight and a Princess, not two people completely caught up in lust. Though, all in all, the point is…

DON’T FOCUS SOLELY ON THE BAD BEHIND THE BAD

Perception is the key to everything I talk about, remember that.

So, where do I stand now after all of this hoo-hah?

…

…

…

I’m Choosing Not to do Drugs

I respect my body and mind too much to let it slip into something that isn’t me, even for a moment.

I’m Choosing Not to Get Drunk

“Drunken disguise changes all the rules.” - Nightwish

Like I said earlier, I’d prefer being me 100% of the time that I am awake.

Though, as someone as prideful as me is, I won't lie, I do want to see if I can retain myself under the effects of alcohol... once, surrounded by someone I can trust. Don't tell anyone though. :)

I’m Choosing Not to Smoke

Really now, what good could possibly come from filling your lunges up with toxic fumes? Total waste of money and a total waste of health. I’ll never let anything control me.

I’m Choosing Not to Curse

Yeah, they ARE just words. But, their context has changed so much over the course of time that they’ve lost their original meaning and are now mainly seen and viewed as derogatory terms. I hear these words so much where they’re totally unneeded.

I’m Choosing Not to Have Sex Until I'm Ready Both Mentally and Financially

I’m not a Christian but I’m a believer that couples should not have sex until they’re both ready, mentally and financially, for children. You may think of me as old-fashioned but, going against this is how single parents come into being. A complete family requires both parents . When caught up in lust, there is no guarantee of commitment. I can’t stand seeing one or both parents putting their own well-being in place of the results their irresponsibility has yielded. Thus, I will not seek sex until my own goals are nearing completion and my heart and mind are ready. Yet… as I write this, the powerful urge to journey this world leads me to think I’ll never be ready to finally settle down. Oh well. =3

My Own Thoughts, I Choose.

Focusing on My Dreams, I Choose.

Understanding Over Hatred, I Choose.

To Not Give In, I Choose.

Aheh, reading this over, I feel a lot of you will view me as having some sort of “Superiority Complex.” =3 Listen, even though I’m choosing not to do these things, that doesn’t mean I won’ respect you for your own choices. I know we all have our own stories. Yet, when you’re still learning about yourself, they don’t become choices, they become accidental impulses. Though, these impulses can be avoided if we just take some time to learn who we are. And, the best way to learn about ourselves is...

TO GO THROUGH AND FACE OUR PROBLEMS HEAD ON.

Well, I hope you liked my own story and that it helped you to understand why things may or may not go in your favor. Anyways, that’s it for my tale, actually not really. We reveal more about myself in the “Anger” section. “Oh boy!” indeed. :D But for now, it’s time to focus on you.

• Introduction
• Understanding, Forming & Overcoming Relationships