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"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."- Lawrence J Peter
My Personal Story Yeah, my own sad tale doesn’t end with just failed love attempts. No, this goes, once again, back to my childhood, a time of consecutive betrayals. You’re probably wondering how someone like me at the age of 21, who’s gone through a mental breakdown, had a continuous internal battle with himself, forced himself to eliminate an emotion only to have it explode in his face, missed out on many opportunities of love, and now a victim of betrayals, managed to come out the way he did? Well, if you’ve been reading everything I’ve had to say, you’d understand why, but to sum it up, it’s because I went through all of that nonsense was I able to gain my own sense of identity. Looking back as a younger kid, I never questioned who I was or why, I just did things without a thought behind it. My journey through life, with all of its pits and perils enabled me to finally start looking inwards, that’s why I never see mistakes AS mistakes, but simply one big guide on life. :)
Getting back on topic though, let’s go back in time, to a boy who was still learning. I used to have a best friend named Brad. I don’t remember how we met, but I know that we always hung out and did lots of fun things. Then, one day, out of nowhere, I’m at the neighborhood park, minding my own business, when I see him approaching with two girls behind him. They stop short of the entrance to the playground as he enters. Out of nowhere he literally puts up his dukes and says we have to fight. This is the first in a series of times where I act on impulse, but, in that instant, I don’t know why or how, but, I was suddenly filled with intense rage. Without thinking, I immediately delivered a fast punch to his face, knocking him down the slide. I had won, but at what cost? That lone punch ended the fight and we left the park together, still friends.
I had learned that those two girls would pay him to beat me up. To this day I have no idea who they were or what they had against me, after all, I was about seven. In retrospect, to think someone I put all my trust in, my first best friend, would betray me for money. Considering my naivety, it only effected me a little bit, but shortly afterwards, I moved away to my current neighborhood. In this neighborhood, I had gained a new best friend, his name was Tommy. The bond we shared was much closer than me and Brad’s, but, as my luck would have it, I eventually found out he had been stealing behind my back, for about five years. I didn’t have a huge reaction to the Brad Betrayal, but this time was different. This was the 2nd time I had put my absolute trust in someone, only to have it broken apart in my face.
“Well, I guess I can’t really trust anyone. -_-” was the mindset I was starting to take on. Not only that, because I was the new kid, I was belittled by a few kids for being from a different neighborhood. This was the beginning of my downward path towards having bitterness and resentment for people. That’s when my hatred started to grow for people. But I digress.
Let’s go back to that odd emotional impulse, shall we? In Middle School, I was in an art class with this very annoying wannabe bully. He had been messing with me from time to time, but it wasn’t so annoying that I cared too much. But, one day, I was in a worse than average mood. We were making these figurines or something and he was like, touching me with it, pretending to scale a mountain or whatever. I asked him kindly to stop it, he refused, that’s when that feeling I got in the park with Brad kicked in. Before I had a chance to react, I forcefully shoved him off me enough to where he actually fell on the floor, hilariously, I might add. Poof, I was back to normal and astonished as to what I had done. He got up and grabbed me by the front of shirt, cliché like. I eventually talked him down and that was that. That was the 2nd time this weird emotion kicked in.
Next, we flash forward to High School. I was in my Sophomore Year in this math class. Again, another bully-ish type we deal with. We had assigned seats, and he was chosen to sit behind me. What happened? He, not hard, but slapped the back of my head. I kindly asked him to stop, he does it again a few seconds later. I then, forcefully, tell him to stop. He does it again. I looked back, recalling to have a bewildered look on my face, and before I could think on how to react, I belted him across his face. He laughed it off, but that was the first and last time he messed with me. That was the last time I remember physically acting on an impulse, but, that impulse, how to describe it. It feels like having all the hatred in your heart suddenly take hold of you, where you instinctively see violence as the only way to stop certain situations where people refuse to listen. By now, I’m pretty sure it only happens when people ignore my warnings. A defense mechanism, countering my naturally peaceful persona.
Abruptly moving back unto the topic of humanity, I grew up without a father, so I was used to mother’s boyfriends coming and going. I had gotten really attached to one of them, only to have the bond abruptly end as things didn’t work out. As I grew older, because of my past, I had learned to keep to myself, to not let anyone know who I really was, to harbor with me a deep resentment that only grew stronger with the more I watched as people selfishly threw away their morals for their own gain. It was around that time that I decided I would never turn out like them, so I pledged to never do drugs. To me, drugs make you act like someone you’re not, a false veil promoting a temporary sense of relief from the essential struggles of everyday life.
I hated it. I hated how everyone around me was into drugs, into alcohol, into cursing, into all the negative things I’ve come to associate with self-degradement. It’s this type of environment that fueled my anger towards people even further. As time went on, this simple anger evolved into a more complex view on humanity, harboring the same general perspective. Essentially, do you know how in a lot of video games where the main villain usually attempts to destroy/brainwash mankind, not for their own benefit, but because it was what they felt was best for humanity; I could have easily fit that role. I didn’t think humans deserved the precious gift of life, because I was so convinced they only took it, and themselves, for granted.
I recall going through an experience that gave me a deep understanding as to how people work, junior class elections. This was my first step into the wonderful world of politics, and what a world that is. You see, I had, and still do, have plans to create my own video game company. I figured that becoming class president would enable me to garnish lessons on what it means to be a leader. It was a very nasty campaign though, my opponent, Brian, who had been class president ever since 7th grade (now the end of 10th grade) resorted to using lies and slander to win, actually convincing people I intended to have the Junior Prom at Denny’s. Bear in mind that I’m a pretty laid-back hilarious , yet silly, kid, and, in hindsight, the thought of ME choosing to have Prom at Denny’s, wasn’t as farfetched as you‘d think. It wasn’t my intention at all, but you can get an idea as to my persona. =D In the end though, I won the title of Junior Class President by a landslide, yet, the damage had already been done.
The people I saw as friendly acquaintances came to hate and despise me. People who had yet to meet me labeled me due to what their friends had to say based on what THEY thought of me, as someone who dethroned their leader. I ran against a prep, so, as you could imagine, that fact pitted nearly all Junior Preps against me. Remember Kaley? After elections is when the neutrality turned to bitterness.
Needless to say, people had high expectations for me, and I tried very hard to change the way the school worked. Yet, our school was very… not rich. In the end, I came to realize that the title of Class President was nothing more but a title. Not only that, but it was because of that election had I gained an understanding as to how DIVISIVE politics is and how ill-willed people are. It taught me that people lacked their own opinions, and would rather go off of third party perspectives than to get to know someone. It allowed me to believe how narrow-minded people are. Needless to say, when it came time for re-elections, I put no effort into winning, despite the fierce last minute push of my self-proclaimed campaign staff, who I am deeply sorry that I had to let down. I've had my fill on politics and the, needlessly depressing, divisive aftermath it carries. By that point, I wanted nothing more to do with the Class of 2007.
In the end, it all adds up to a kid who views humanity with hatred and scorn, who sees their constant betrayals to themselves and others as a sign of weakness. A race that doesn’t belong on this beautiful planet who look to, and mock, the differences of others without even looking inside themselves for things they should work on. A group who knows no better than to see their way of life as perfect, while viewing the customs of others with scorn. It was for these reasons that I had decided I don’t belong here, with these people of which I refuse to call my “brothers/sisters.” I had resolved myself to literally wander the planet, searching for a place I can call home. Searching from town to town, village to village, country to country without looking back to where I came from. To abandon everyone I had come to know in my life.
Yet, it was more than that, I felt like it was my punishment because of how I let myself become; I lacked trust in friends, family and anyone else. I viewed myself as a failure of a friend, a son, and as a potential lover. To me, love is about putting all of your trust in another. I was convinced I wasn’t able to do that anymore, so I resolved to never let myself get attached to anyone. I felt that any woman deserved anyone else but me, that I wasn’t worth it for my inability to give or receive any form of comfort.
I was prepared to leave everyone and everything behind in an attempt to isolate myself, to continue devoting my life to the sole purpose of helping others. It was a bittersweet ending I had envisioned.
Why have I changed my plans though? Like I said, it was thanks to the words and presence of Rebecca that allowed me to break this false front. I really want to get the chance thank her, in-person, one day. As of right now, I’m trying to look at it this way, “That we’re all in this together. Our paths may be different, and a lot of us do things without thinking, but this is a team effort. If we choose to isolate ourselves, than help out our fellow comrades on this great journey of life, then, we’re leading a greedy life ourselves.” something like that. Now, there are a lot of things people do that I disagree with, but I’m learning to not hate them for it, that we all have our flaws, and the best way to go about it is to gain an understanding first, without making a judgment.
In the end though, my own journey is far from over. There are still many things I have yet to understand, about myself and the world. So many emotions I have yet to experience. I know that some of the choices I’ll make wont be very good ones, but, I’d rather make a bad choice, than no choice at all. And that’s how to live life. |
